After my two recent figure competitions I have
been a little bit lost as to what the heck I want to do in the future
with fitness. I have kept my nutrition and training regimen the same,
with a few more cheats. But I have felt the wrath of post competition
weight gain and blues, I am not super human after all. I had this idea
in my head that I could maintain a certain weight and kept telling
myself, "if I get above such and such weight I WOULD DIE!" Well, I am
alive and a few pretty pounds over that weight I swore I would never go
above.
My husband continuously tells me he
likes the way I look now, better than how I looked in my competitions.
Apparently my man likes a little more "cushion for the pushin!"
Unfortunately I don't, I HATE IT! I look at the little bit of extra
cushion and see nothing but NASTY, GROSS, EVIL, FAT! Let me be
honest for a second though, it is not nearly as bad as I am making it
sound. But what may seem like a few pounds to someone else, appears as
a morbidly obese monster in my mind! It is quite pathetic actually,
these last few weeks, there have been moments when I get off of the
scale and literally tear up. I think mostly because I feel like I have
lost control.
My thoughts have been so
consumed in getting this little bit of extra weight off (this morbidly
obese monster) that I have forgotten that there is a person inside of me
that is worth a lot more than just how her body looks. It is hard to
regain self worth based on you as a whole, when your mind set has been
so focused on how tight your abs look, how lean you can get, muscle
mass, etc. ALL LOOKS!
Every thing needs to
be balanced and I have lost all control of maintaining that balance. I
just can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this constant whisper
that LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING! I have created a monster. Constantly I am
looking at myself and finding flaw after flaw, because I don't look the
same way I did on competition day! Always comparing myself to something
that is not maintainable. It is a monster, it's big and it's evil!
I have been rapidly destroying my self-worth, over something so vain
and selfish!
I have set new goals! They are simple,
1. Forget about the damn scale already!
2. BE POSITIVE!
3.Drink More Water!
4.Lift Hard!
5. Cardio 3 times a week.
The
number one thing on this list should have been BE POSITIVE. I have
been so negative about my body, I am sure that it has affected my bodies
response. Not only has it affected me but it has affected those around
me. My thoughts are so consumed with how I look that I have forgotten that, hey, there is so much more out there to worry about and consume my thoughts with, GET OVER YOURSELF! haha!
This was way long, so sorry...but this was written over a course of a few days, but boy do I feel better now. Thanks for reading through this depressing post. I usually tend to hide my negative thoughts but I am human, in order to appreciate the positive, one must experience the negative. I think I have had my fair share, time to be more positive, plus, no one likes a "negative nancy"!
Thanks for reading!
BEFIT.BEFIERCE.BEHEALTHY.
For your entertainment!
Meet the morbidly obese monster living inside my head, and occasionally showing up in my mirror!
Hey Bon! I usually don't comment on things, but while I was reading it I felt like I should. I don't really know where to start, so I'll just dive right in. This past year I've had a REALLY hard time accepting my body. Making a baby beat the crap out of me and destroyed my stomach. Even if I do ever get a nice flat tummy again it will still be mangled with stretch marks. I was seriously depressed about this for months. I wish I hadn't taken my "teenager" body for granted. ( back in high school I hated my tummy, my arms, my back). I've had to take a step back and view it from a different perspective and not just the worldly beauty side. I have 2 legs and 2 arms. They all work perfectly. Some people cannot say that. I have eyes and ears that work. I can speak and chew my own food. I can take care of myself. Some people cannot say that. My body learned how to dance and tumble. My body can run and lift. My body can have sex. I'm not disfigured or hurt in any way. I grew a human! So, maybe I'm over 10, 20, or 30 lbs. some days it hurts more than others. But then I realize this less than perfect body, actually is kind of perfect.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the long reply and I hope it makes sense. Be proud of you body. Be proud of the things it can do and not just how it looks. Your body has done some amazing things.
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